Monday, March 13, 2006

A Few Words for the Record

On the record: Labor wasn’t all that bad. Once I saw my baby, all the pain of childbirth was just lifted away.

Off the record:I wasn’t spraying myself with a topical anesthetic and sitting in a sitz bath for 3 weeks postpartum just for kicks. That shit hurt like a mo fo.

*****

On the record: I expose my son to age-appropriate, developmentally appropriate learning experiences at all times in an effort to fully stimulate his cognitive, physical, and emotional growth.

Off the record:Exersaucers are really convenient when you need somewhere to stick your kid while you’re checking your e-mail.

*****

On the record: What I hope for in writing this blog is that I will uncover some truths within myself that will illuminate the essence of what motherhood means to me.

Off the record:What I really hope for is that a posse of mommies will regularly read my blog, stroke my ego, and leave me comments with no less intensity than groupies following the Grateful Dead.

*****

On the record: There’s something brilliant about how the flavors of that Cabernet are layered and sensual, while the aromas are, at the same time, so pure. A fruity combination of boysenberry and black cherries, finishing with just a hint of hazelnut.

Off the record: Charles Shaw anyone?

*****

On the record: I think it’s great that Shiela can fit back into her size 4 jeans six weeks after giving birth.

Off the record: That b#tch.

*****

On the record: Eating 5-9 fruits and vegetables and getting at least 30 minutes of physical activity a day is really important.

Off the record: Give me chocolate. I need chocolate.

*****

On the record: I can’t wait to experience the miracle of childbirth again.

Off the record: Adoption? Anyone?

*****

On the record: I am confident that with all the love and support that the hubby and I have to give our children, that they will grow up to be giving, caring, and contributing members of society.

Off the record:If they don’t end up in therapy, we shall celebrate.

28 Comments:

Anonymous chelle said...

haha while snooping I almost chocked on my twizzlers! I loved the on/off record that rocked!

11:02 PM  
Blogger bubandpie said...

So funny. Considering the need we bloggers feel for rabid posses of readers to leave comments, I've started feeling sorry for these old, neglected posts. This one rocked - funniest inaugural post I've read.

7:38 PM  
Blogger Lotta said...

Snort.

You are a riot!

10:34 AM  
Anonymous Meredith said...

so true (and funny too)

4:43 AM  
Anonymous Rlyn said...

I'm not a mommy yet, but I still enjoy reading your blog! You are too funny

7:13 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

I'm a greatful dead fan, AND a Mommy off the record fan! =o)

12:40 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Stroking! Stroking!

And yes, hate that Sheila.

6:51 PM  
Anonymous Erin said...

Hi! I came across your blog and had to leave a message. You are a hilarious woman! I will totally agree with you on your cabernet comment. LOVE WINE! :)

Have a great day! I have yet to make a blog. I don't feel like I have much to talk about. I am not a mom yet. I just got married and am a teacher. BORING! :)

7:45 PM  
Blogger lildb said...

this is brilliant. how many people can lay claim to brilliance in an initial blog post? well, one, that I know of.

xoxoxo

10:46 PM  
Blogger sunshine scribe said...

Okay now my first blog post was crap - this is one for the record books. You crack me up!!

4:08 AM  
Anonymous TB said...

It's great that you actually got comments on your first blog post, but then again I can see why. Funny stuff and I'm not even a mom.

7:12 AM  
Blogger Pendullum said...

Beautiful first post...
I had a good laugh...
I have to agree with lilbd brilliant first post!!!

8:08 AM  
Blogger Tracie said...

This is definately the best first post I have ever read!

1:41 PM  
Blogger jen said...

super fabulous first post.

my first post is not even in the same hemisphere. =(

1:58 PM  
Blogger yogamama said...

You are so HONEST! And yet, funny! I love this post and, still kind of new to the blogging thing myself, totally relate to the cherry-popping thing. I feel like I am at that fun stage of blogging where, just like sex, I'm getting the hang of it, but it's still really, really fun and new and cool. --Unlike postpartum sex :(, but that is a different subject altogether. Unfortunately I did tell my parents about my blog, so I can only talk about sex on someone else's site!

3:16 PM  
Anonymous Andreya said...

Wow, what a great entry!!

Not a mom yet, researching... ;)

6:07 PM  
Blogger Trasi said...

You are not fucking kidding.
Excellent post, I'll definitely come back! I just got sucked into the blogworld myself and have found such interesting folks! Cheers.
Trasi

6:23 PM  
Blogger Jo said...

Too damn funny! And I hear ya sister on ALL of those!

5:37 PM  
Blogger KIP said...

Sounds like you read my mind. I can agree with all the points.

I keep trying to convince my husband to adopt but he won't hear it. If we did, then we could have 4 kids. No adoption, maybe 2, if he's lucky or, unless he wants to have the next one.

8:48 AM  
Blogger One Wacky Mom said...

Oh this is brilliant! Truly brilliant. You do this with such style and panache!

9:18 AM  
Blogger Bronie said...

ok. i totally know this is an old post, but i just found you. but as a fellow blogger, and in an effort to stroke the ego and not be a non-commenting stalker :), i gotta say that is one of the funniest posts i've ever read!

7:41 AM  
OpenID miss mosaic said...

i just found your blog and i LOVE it.
keep up the good work, please!!
peace and grace

12:31 AM  
OpenID mommypie said...

So glad to have found you -- I'll be back!

5:03 PM  
Anonymous woo hoo said...

too true, too true

4:18 PM  
Anonymous funnyrunner said...

I just came across your blog and I LOVE it!!! Exactly my sense of humor (that's on the record). Off the record, I just started my own blog and I'm jealous! lol. Keep writing!

2:00 PM  
Blogger Rosana V. said...

too effing funny...and AMEN. look forward to keeping up with you and feel free to swing on troo as well...

http://chroniclesofmomnia.blogspot.com

8:24 PM  
Blogger Tanya in Ohio said...

Scenario: At age 51, have raised four kids with two currently expecting babies. Upon both expectant brothers posting ultrasound pics of their babies:

Son #2 to Son #3: "My fetus can kick your fetus's ass."

Moral: The rivalry never ends, be prepared!

My conversation with son #3: "We don't want any visitors after having the baby, so we can have two weeks to adjust to parenthood."

Me: (Laughing so hard that wine is coming out of my nose), "I've been a parent for 31 years and raised four kids, and I am STILL adjusting to parenthood."

So there ya have it, good news or bad. You're on a roller coaster ride that never ends, so go ahead and scream out loud when you want to, but remember that it really DOES zoom by fast, so enjoy it!

7:52 AM  
Anonymous Erica said...

OMG! I love the on/off the record! You totally said what I was thinking!

5:44 PM  

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